Hey guys, how are you doing! I know it’s been a little while since I wrote. After my 7.5 day fast I had a little knee injury, so took a break.
Just before I fell, I had an experience which caused me to have quite a bit of a breakthrough! I was thrilled and couldn’t wait to share it with you!
I was walking with a relatively new friend and we were having a great time! But then he had to go ruin it all! He categorically told me that I will never be able to achieve my dreams! He claimed that people who achieve those kinds of dreams start young. He said – tell me what you’ve achieved so far and I’ll tell you how much you can achieve. He said those guys that achieve big dreams are extremely smart. And, without really knowing me, he called me dumb! Or not smart enough! Coz if I was, coz I’d have dazzled him within a minute I suppose! He said many people have dreams like those but it’s only a very few outliers who achieve them, and they have to be super smart and start super young!
Okay, so this to me is total crap, right? Of course, I didn’t hold back in telling him that! I must have started out telling him this calmly, I’m sure. But soon I wasn’t all that calm! 🙂 I told him that’s bullshit and he can’t possibly tell me what I can and cannot do. He said, this he can tell me absolutely and without a doubt – I’ll never reach the levels I’m trying to reach. Nope. Never.
What??? Really? I was mad! I said to him, who the hell do you think you are to tell me what I can and cannot do? Take your opinion and shove it up your ass! I said I can absolutely do whatever the f* I want and all those theories of yours are just total bullshit. Geez!
Okay, so here’s why I’m telling you this. It’s not to vent! 🙂 I think most of you can see that I had reason to be agitated. Most of you will agree with me. Here’s what – I want you to not agree with me! Here’s why.
At some point, he said something that stayed with me, even though I counter-argued effectively. He said if you were all that confident, you wouldn’t get agitated. I dispelled that myth of his by saying you can achieve brilliant, masterful things with all kinds of personalities. Steve Jobs used to get upset, but he transformed the world completely. However, I do like being calm, and his words stayed with me.
This brought about my breakthrough while journaling. I kept asking myself, what would I have to feel or think so as to not be triggered by him?
I realized that the way would have been to think in my head – oh he’s one of those people! People who think like that!
Basically separate myself from him. Create a distance.
That thought made me feel sad. I don’t want to think that thought? Why?
I realized that by thinking that thought, I’m immediately creating an emotional distance between us. I’m saying – he is different. I’m saying, we may not be able to connect. By fighting with him, I’m trying to keep that connection intact. I’m trying to convince him to be in my place. I’m trying to reduce distance.
That’s why I felt sad when I had that thought about him – oh, he’s one of those people. And when I realized that in future situations, if I use this tool of immediately thinking – oh he/she has this belief, then I’m putting them in a container that’s not mine. And I’m creating a separation.
That’s why we keep feeling bad about the person. That’s why we try to control the other person’s thoughts and feelings and try to make them the same as ours, and we feel bad if they don’t come on to our camp. Because we don’t want to accept the separation. To try and reduce the emotional distance, we become controlling instead. We do not allow the other person to hold their own values and beliefs, we try to control them into having the same values and beliefs as us. Why don’t you understand what I’m saying? You should understand what I’m saying! I like you, I respect you, so do what it takes to make me feel better! Come to my container!
Of course, that doesn’t work. Just as we can’t just believe what they believe, they can’t believe what we believe. The distance is inherently there. Fighting about it and expecting them to be in our land won’t create the bridge needed for the relationship to survive. The good news is that our intent by fighting is good, it’s to reduce emotional distance. The bad news is that it increases the distance instead of reducing it.
It’s not easy, but allow the person to be in their own container, different from yours. See how it works out! You may be able to create a bridge, you may not. Either way is okay. Not forcing someone to share our beliefs, and accepting any distance as being true, is being deeply honest with ourselves. This will allow you to have deeper relationships where you build bridges where possible, and respect each other’s viewpoints where possible, and overall remain calm and untriggered./div>
In this case, do I respect his viewpoint? Absolutely! Yes, I believe to the core of me that he is mistaken. Even so. Do I want to hang out with him again? It depends. I prefer to be around people that believe in me. If he doesn’t, then the bridge is not possible between us. I can respect him and how he came to his opinions, but choose to not be exposed to it.
Hope this helps! Sign up to my mailing list to not miss more articles from me!
Until next time!
Blessings, love and healing to you!